Saturday, March 5, 2011

Buzz off

I received a message on my mobile this morning. It was yet another plea from this nobody that has been trying to get me to respond to his so called self perceived intelligent attempts at flooring me.

“Please call me. I am Indian air fors”

And I am assuming he expected me to turn back in slow motion and run towards him with a bgm of saare jahaan se accha echoing in the background like a Karan Johar-Kajol piece salute him and fix a date for the wedding. I have two things to say to you mister, no make that three – 1) you might be “air fors” but I am plainly not as stupid. 2) get a life 3) oh by the way…sign up for some English lessons.

Aside from the fact that the effort was totally pointless, I couldn’t help but wonder about how exactly jobless these romeos are and what exact thought process they go through when they decide to cyber disturb someone. This one has been spamming my inbox with forward messages in hindi that are supposedly on ‘pyar’ and ‘mohabbat’ and I am expected to swoon at them and fly without visa to Macchu Pichhu and do a Kilimanjaro! Given that my hindi graduation is at “ek gaaon meh ek kisan raghu thaatha” he could’ve confessed he is the Prime Minister and I wouldn’t have known! The only regret I have is that Sony Ericcson doesn’t provide a facility for blocking mobile numbers. My Spice handset is going “AHAH!” somewhere in the closet.

It is a fast moving and highly competitive world (at least that’s what I was told at one end of a high level reprimand session) and I guess the only explanation for these annoying spammers is a high degree of desperateness. Not to mention crass heroism in movies that offers “eve-teasing” as third degree effort at wooing a female. You never have to give a damn to what she considers a worthy match or least of all her privacy. Ok now before all of you jump at this line and go on to rip arteries over a gender bias let me add water to the chutney and dilute it so you wouldn’t know the taste. Women are desperate too and trust me ladies, men sometimes need to be left on their own (note to self: take slipper and hit on head twice).

Coming back to the issue, one thing I have observed is that none…and by that I mean “NONE” of these weirdoes have the slightest ounce of insight into the English language beyond peter. I have never received a properly worded message (include term ‘that makes sense and prevents Sam Anderson from looking like a Harvard English major) from these Xs and Ys inviting me to a healthy conversation.  I wonder what that means. ‘Wannabe  silver screen Rocket Rajas?’. You bet.

One thing  that’s bewildering in these individuals is the amount of time they have at their disposal to waste. Or if I could be brash – a Ph.D in Jobless loaferism. This and more of their misused shrewdness stands proven from the fact that this guy got my number off a record at a recharge outlet (note to self: listen to BFF when she says buy scratch cards). Not to mention other places where you fill out a form and give your number because duh they need it for sending across important information. Its not what happens though. Like for example the most important message this guy at the Dell outlet had to send across was a forward message on how guys always get duped into falling in love with girls (seriously man get a perspective…oh wait you only know Inglipis…that meant get a brain).

I have tried to and failed at finding a reason or logic behind these messages and overconfident overtures. I use the same word to describe these attempts as I do with bad advertisements – disgusting (women giving a constipated look and running after a loser just because he emptied a bottle of your’s truly’s perfume is just that – disgusting. What are you marketing? Prostitutes?)

 As funny as some of these ‘read-options-delete’ texts maybe ‘I am your neighbor’ does not qualify as a license to book a dream location. I also have a terminally psychotic case for a neighbor so you get the drift.
These fellows are also incredibly arrogant and try every trick in the book to get you to respond. From please to ‘apdi enna di onakku’ I have been at the receiving end for quite a number of these flings (once I get my voodoo diploma you know what I am going to do to you. Hint : ragged doll).

There is a golden rule however in reply to this balderdash – silence. Something my mother reminds me every time I deliver a monologue of carefully picked, choicest and the best of swears as I describe the cheapster that’s draining my mobile of charge with his calls and messages. Its very hard, believe me but that’s the only thing you can do if you don’t want to hear a word from him again (a year is the minimum period they give up after. Or a new wall to bang on. Whichever is earliest).  

This was just a steam out session so there is no “Fool’s guide on how not to be ridiculous trying to get a woman to talk to you” that I am going to offer but here are some things that might help :

1) Throw your mobile (or the one that you picked out of someone’s pocket in the bus and using right now to spam till the top up runs out) into the slush that runs (er… is stagnant) under the Basin Bridge.
2) Get a life
3) Get a job
4) Learn English (Not from Actor Jai. I meant real English…not towel come towel go)
5) Get a life
6) Get a job
7) Have some pride in your being...and dignity…and integrity (sighhhhhhh!)
8) Repeat steps 2 and 3. Go to 5 and 6

P.S  1 : thanks to TRAI and its new 100 msgs per day regulation! Allelujah!
P.S  2 : Before you go ahead and ask me how then would I like to be spoken to – "user busy with her life. call again next century"!

Image courtesy :


  1. @sriharini : thanks and welcome to my blog :)

  2. Hi
    I am not trying to criticise you but logically think about what this guy did. What did you do.
    1.) He messaged you..But not only u but I suppose a lot of people hoping that there would be some girl who will fall for his words.
    2. ) The guy was just making an effort to find love, which is part of life without love there is no life .So at least he is trying to get a life.
    3.)I think he should already have a job I suppose sending few forward or sms’s in single line wouldn’t take a lot of time than writing pages and pages about that.. That too in proper English and using fancy words(no offence intended)
    4.) Why should he learn English that I suppose english was not is mother tongue? This is a pseudo superiority complex people get when they think knowing English makes them greater than others who don’t know it properly...I think language is made of communication when u can understand what he is telling....Who the f**k cares if the English is correct or not..
    5.)At last let me leave you with a quote from some wise man or women.
    ““It was pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that makes men as angels.”
    He was trying to be human...are U...

  3. Hello Anonymous

    I cant help but smile at ur comments. So there is a compliment before I give u my reasons for my post. Let me also remind u that am not 'explaining' my reasons. I stand by them 100%

    Am guessing u r a guy from the amazing contrast of perceptions that u've put forward. I may be wrong.

    1) Anyhow I seriously don't understand how texting so many girls at the same time is a certified, dignified and apparently innocent attempt at finding 'love' (if u can even define what that means!) It is desperate and cheeky not to mention egotist. If I am to take ur word for it, u seem to think men are like that. As much I cant deny it, there are exceptions!!!

    2) Please dont define 'love' as being cheap and desperate. U sir/ma'm are the eternal cinema lover! Sadly cliches dont work in real life. U should understand that girls are'nt of the types they show in movies - the falling in love with the annoying hero type. Girls have a life and prefer guys that have one too!

    3) If he already has a job and knows what he is doing then he wldnt have time to waste on silly forward messages. And that too not even with a single girl going by the standards u mentioned! I honestly think he needs to get a real job and a real life!

    4) Good point. Could u please explain that to them? If like u say they need not learn English then y d f**k do they have to send texts in English? Ah! there comes the predicament. The girl may not know his mother tongue so english my good sir serves as a common platform. So u gotta learn it. But oh no! u love ur mother tongue. So y not find a local girl to bother?? Ah! the grass on the other side is always green isnt it? So that brings us to English again and for ur kind information people like me that are not anti-other languages DO CARE.

    5) I am as human as he is and am entitled to my right of privacy as much as he is to finding 'love'! Let me also leave u with a thought " A known devil is better than an unknown angel"!!!

    P.S 1 : Writing pages and pages in 'proper English' using 'fancy words' comes naturally to me - as naturally as typing broken multi bait texts comes to ur so called justified heroes. On the other hand that was a compliment to me! Thanks :)

    P.S 2 : Its obvious that u agree with what I said inspite of ur take on it and knew I would jump to reply back with a confrontation, else y would u have to hide behind an 'Anonymous' tag??? That again is a compliment. Thanks :)

  4. Again 'anonymous'

    Am so glad u brought up the biology logic and wonder if u even read ur reply before u posted it because u just justified wat i said on my post. if a guy is 'being a man' for just wanting to 'make more offspring' then a girl is simply being a woman by wanting to choose the best option for trusting her egg with!!! that also is biology mr.anonymous. u might want to finish reading on the woman side of things.

    ur second argument overlaps with the 1st so am just going to ask u to go finish ur biology lesson again!

    i seriously doubt again if u read ur reply throgh coz u say urself that the guy cld be a tamilian and the girl a malayali. if neither knows the other language how do u propose they communicate??? cave language perhaps? english is a bridging platform mr.anonymous and perhaps the people at vivekananda english tutoring might be able to explain that to u.

    am going to ask u again...this time to read my post fully. he DID violate my privacy because he GOT MY NUMBER OFF A RECORD BOOK AT A RECHARGE OUTLET. if u think that its smart then maybe u might want to think of the word harrasment. there is another word for it - SPAM.

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  6. I thought your post was spicy, but wait, your comments section is even better. You literally killed the guy (ROFL). wait a min! seems like some comments have been censored, why?????

    So, did you feel relaxed after letting out all that steam????????

    This is easily the best read I have had in a long time. (LOA) :)